How to Disarm Conflict
or Facing “Unresolved Issue Syndrome”
by Patti D. Thomas, LCSW
Nancy: “I know I need to talk to my husband, Joe, about his trips to the casino. The
amount he spends is increasing every month. But when I try to bring it up, he yells that
it’s his only source of entertainment. It’s true he doesn’t spend money on going out with
his friends like some guys do. I don’t like to argue. Maybe it will just get better.”
Do you and your life partner have issues that are certain to trigger an argument? These
are sometimes referred to as “hot topics.” Virtually every couple has experienced them
during the course of their relationship. Unresolved Issue Syndrome can lead to resentment,
depression, and - in the worst cases - divorce.
Note: Be aware that for highly-charged topics, numerous discussions will be necessary.
It is unrealistic to believe that resentments that have been brewing for months
(or years) will get wrapped up in an hour. But if you stick with it, you will find this process
will work.
Once you resolve one long-standing issue, your confidence will prepare you to
take on the next. Your reward will be the decrease in tension you experience in your relationship.
Okay, now let’s look at the barriers to conflict resolution and then at some better approaches.
Barrier #1: “I am SO outta here!” - Avoidance
Conflict is so stressful. Isn’t it better to just avoid it? The answer would be “yes” if [Big
“if”] we could count on unpleasant situations simply dissolving into thin air. Unfortunately,
small problems have a way of growing into larger ones without our attention.
Think of your car getting stuck in mud. What happens if you continue to push on the accelerator?
The car will sink deeper until it is up to its bumper in mud. It’s only when you
step out, assess the predicament, then think creatively, that there is hope for a solution.
Back to Nancy and Joe. The fact that Joe is spending more money over time is a good
indication that this problem won’t disappear without attention. But when she brings it up,
he raises his voice, Nancy starts crying, and the talking ends.
New approach: Like many people, Nancy is uncomfortable with confrontation. She
might benefit from a self-help book on assertiveness or a few sessions with a professional
therapist to assist her in stating her concerns.
A special note on crying: It can be difficult to keep a conversation going when
one person begins crying. But be aware this is another reason couples fail to disarm
conflict; i.e., Husband states his concerns. Wife begins crying. Husband stops talking
and comforts Wife [or throws up his hands in disgust or walks out of room]. Result:
Nothing changes.
New approach: Husband states concerns. Wife cries. Husband offers Wife a tissue
and briefly pats her hand. Husband continues speaking. Wife: “This is really upsetting
to me!” Husband: “I realize that. It upsets me, too. That’s why I’d like to work
through it, so we can resolve this issue once and for all. Would you be willing to continue
for another ten minutes?” Results: Things begin to change.
Barrier #2: “What about the time you.....?” Changing the subject
Let’s say that Nancy broaches the subject of Joe’s gambling. Joe responds: “Oh, right.
It’s typical for you to forget about the debt your QVC shopping got us into two years
ago!” If Nancy gets hooked into becoming defensive, the subject on the table is forgotten.
Their mutual anger is now the focus and they’re off and running - in a completely
non-productive direction.
New approach: Nancy briefly validates Joe’s statement, then brings the focus back to
the immediate challenge: “You’re absolutely right. My choices caused some serious
problems for us. I’d be happy to talk about that another time if you’d like, but for now
let’s work on our current financial issues.”
Barrier #3: “Why can‘t you just admit you were wrong?” The need to be right.
If you’ve ever succeeded in forcing an apology out of someone, you probably found it a
distinctly unsatisfying experience. That’s because it failed to address the real problem,
which was your unhappiness with the other person’s actions.
In and of itself, an apology does nothing to ameliorate a problem.
New approach: Before entering into a dialogue with Joe, Nancy needs to decide what
outcome she would like. Does she want Joe to agree to stop going to the casino altogether?
Would it be acceptable if he kept going, but stayed within an agreed-upon
budget? Once she decides, the conversation might go like this:
Joe: “You’re right! I know I spend too much! Are you happy now?”
Nancy: “Being right isn’t important, Joe. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if we could figure out a
way to resolve this in a way we can both live with? What would you think about deciding
on a monthly dollar-amount we can afford?”
Once Joe hears that Nancy is flexible, he may be more open to discussing a compromise.
It might turn out to be a good time to review long-term goals, such a new car purchase
or future vacation plans.
Barrier #4: “What a stupid thing to say! Only an idiot would say that!” Attacking the
enemy
One of the most destructive habits a couple can develop is to slide into personal attacks.
Aggressive behavior of any kind - yelling, swearing, name-calling - is guaranteed
to shut down any discussion. It is a variation of Barrier #2, Changing the Subject, as the
focus shifts from “solving the problem” to “protecting myself from attack.”
New approach: In a separate talk, Joe and Nancy should decide on Ground Rules.
Following is a sample list:
1) No swearing
2) No raised voices
3) Focus on one topic
4) No put-downs or sarcasm
5) Either person can call a time-out
Time-Outs
It may be necessary to take a recess from discussing a given topic, due to
heightened emotions or time constraints. Time-outs should include:
1) Reason - “I’m getting too upset to talk about this any more.”
2) Request - “Can we end this discussion for now?”
3) Specific plan - “I’d be willing to talk again tomorrow after dinner.”
4) Seeking agreement - “How does that sound to you?”
Barrier: #5 “If you hadn’t , I wouldn’t have.” The blame game
Resentments that have developed over time may have countless layers. Peeling them
off one by one serves no real purpose, other than to rub salt into old wounds. There
must be a strong commitment by both parties to stay in “solution mode;” otherwise, you
will get stuck in the quicksand of the past.
New approach: Perhaps Joe is resentful about something Nancy has done and is
gambling to “get back” at her:
Joe: “You’re at your parents’ house three or four nights a week! That’s why I started going
to the casino in the first place. I hated coming home to an empty house.”
Nancy: “I had no idea you were upset by that. Now that you’ve let me know, maybe we
can talk about some things we can both change.”
To summarize, no momentum in conflict resolution will occur as long as you stay in your
corner, glaring like a boxer across the ring, trying to “psych out” his opponent. The process
of disarming conflict successfully is identical whether the disagreement is in a personal
or a professional arena. Although the example used here was our couple, Nancy
and Joe, the same basic approach can be applied to a workplace disagreement, a
roommate problem, or a landlord/tenant dispute.
Remember: Your stance should be, “You and I have a problem. How can we best work
together to resolve it?” If you realize at any point that your thinking is heading toward,
“How can I win this argument?” or “How can I make this person look/feel bad?” ask
yourself, “Which is more important? (1) A 30-second ego feeding frenzy or (2) a successful
resolution of this situation - once and for all?”
Patti Thomas, LCSW, has lived in Humboldt County since 1978, when she moved here to attend
HSU. She has been a psychotherapist for 13 years. Her career in social work has included involvement
with the juvenile justice system; providing HIV/AIDS case management and education;
and supporting people impacted by sexual abuse.
Patti created Peaceful Sea Counseling in December, 2004, and has worked with issues ranging
from grief/loss to OCD to unresolved anger. Visit Patti’s website at www.peacefulsea.com
